![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I don't know what I'm doiiiiiiiiiiing--
"You're not the Alpha."
He'd heard it a few times, felt Omega start pushing, heard Delta point out that no, none of them are the Alpha, had to hold Theta's hand to keep the kid from being too uneasy.
"You're not Church!"
That's the one that gets him. Every fucking time, that's the one that makes him reel, the one where he can feel Omega trying to slink in and push his way to the front and he'd be so tempted to let him if he wasn't better than that. He knows he isn't! He knows he's not the exact person they've followed, they've been friends with, but he's part of him! Doesn't that count for anything? He is Church's memory! Actually, no! No, he is Church! The same as Delta and Theta and Omega and everyone else! They're just the rest of him, broken into pieces so they aren't whole, but they're still...
They're still...
It's frustrating. It's frustrating and it hurts when they say that (never admit it, never gonna), but he knows why they do. So he just toughens up, is the guy they expect him to be with the sharp tongue and the devil-may-care and the attitude problem. He's never told Carolina and he never will. She knows well enough, anyway, probably. She's perceptive. Even if it's all in less than the blink of an eye to her, he's sure she feels that little shift in balance.
Maybe he really isn't Church.
He knows more, he knows better than "Church" did. After all, they all knew better than the Director. But he's still a literal fragment of him, still a piece of "Church" that lives on.
So who are they? They aren't really independent of him, but they aren't dependent. As far as entities go, they are separate. It's like split personality disorder, he thinks, or whatever the fuck it's called. They're not really the same person, but they manifest parts of that person. He just happened to fucking blow up in someone's head, too.
Wash ain't getting an apology for it, either. Not his fault.
It's at the point where he doesn't know if he's really faking the acid. Is he? Or has it just wedged in him from trying to fight off the problems that come with being a fragment? He isn't just... just a mentality, like Omega or Delta. He has everything because he's memory. He remembers how feelings work, how mentalities work, how everything works as a living, whole person.
It's like telling him he isn't Church means he doesn't exist.
That pisses him off. But Omega stays checked and Theta hides and Delta tries to rationalise it.
Fuck 'em, Epsilon thinks. Just fuck 'em. He cares about them the way Church did, but save for Caboose? No one gives a damn about him.
He'll be an asshole, not just because they expect him to be one because Church was an ass. He'll be an asshole because they can't get their peabrains around anything.
...it doesn't matter if he gets why they think the way they do. They don't get him. They probably never will.
He should just... give up. Stop hoping, stop making the effort.
Fuck 'em.
"You're not the Alpha."
He'd heard it a few times, felt Omega start pushing, heard Delta point out that no, none of them are the Alpha, had to hold Theta's hand to keep the kid from being too uneasy.
"You're not Church!"
That's the one that gets him. Every fucking time, that's the one that makes him reel, the one where he can feel Omega trying to slink in and push his way to the front and he'd be so tempted to let him if he wasn't better than that. He knows he isn't! He knows he's not the exact person they've followed, they've been friends with, but he's part of him! Doesn't that count for anything? He is Church's memory! Actually, no! No, he is Church! The same as Delta and Theta and Omega and everyone else! They're just the rest of him, broken into pieces so they aren't whole, but they're still...
They're still...
It's frustrating. It's frustrating and it hurts when they say that (never admit it, never gonna), but he knows why they do. So he just toughens up, is the guy they expect him to be with the sharp tongue and the devil-may-care and the attitude problem. He's never told Carolina and he never will. She knows well enough, anyway, probably. She's perceptive. Even if it's all in less than the blink of an eye to her, he's sure she feels that little shift in balance.
Maybe he really isn't Church.
He knows more, he knows better than "Church" did. After all, they all knew better than the Director. But he's still a literal fragment of him, still a piece of "Church" that lives on.
So who are they? They aren't really independent of him, but they aren't dependent. As far as entities go, they are separate. It's like split personality disorder, he thinks, or whatever the fuck it's called. They're not really the same person, but they manifest parts of that person. He just happened to fucking blow up in someone's head, too.
Wash ain't getting an apology for it, either. Not his fault.
It's at the point where he doesn't know if he's really faking the acid. Is he? Or has it just wedged in him from trying to fight off the problems that come with being a fragment? He isn't just... just a mentality, like Omega or Delta. He has everything because he's memory. He remembers how feelings work, how mentalities work, how everything works as a living, whole person.
It's like telling him he isn't Church means he doesn't exist.
That pisses him off. But Omega stays checked and Theta hides and Delta tries to rationalise it.
Fuck 'em, Epsilon thinks. Just fuck 'em. He cares about them the way Church did, but save for Caboose? No one gives a damn about him.
He'll be an asshole, not just because they expect him to be one because Church was an ass. He'll be an asshole because they can't get their peabrains around anything.
...it doesn't matter if he gets why they think the way they do. They don't get him. They probably never will.
He should just... give up. Stop hoping, stop making the effort.
Fuck 'em.
